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yoshi08

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Pushed to the limit, makes you reach the limit [Oct. 28th, 2009|06:17 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |home]
[mood | busy]
[music |California Dreamin' - Beach Boys]

"All the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray. California Dreamin, on such a winter's day."

Basically switch out winter for rainy, and you've got an idea what it is like in New Jersey at the moment, though the rain pretty much cleared up a while ago, about 4pmish EST time.

Things have been pretty smoothly lately.
I'm still averaging 2-3 work days a week as a substitute teacher in my old high school, which has been really great. My school has a lot of amazing students and teachers, and is just a nice environment to be in. Too bad they don't need a Science teacher. x_x

At the dollar store, I have 20 hours for the next coming week, which is a 5 hour increase from my current schedule.

I don't know if the change is from now on, or just a one week thing, but either way it's pretty sweet. I think they are starting to see how good of a worker I am, and that prompted the increase in the hours. I can't really think of any other reason to give one of the newest employees extra hours.

This weekend, Saturday to be specific, I will be taking the regular content GRE's at a testing center near me. I don't think I'm nervous per se, but I'm not exactly excited about going to take the test. This test just brings back all the annoying and depressing memories of the SAT's, which this test is the just the grown up version of. I only scored like 1080 on the SATS, just low enough to loose scholarship money from the state for a state school, which left my mother relatively unhappy with me.

My main problem is the math. I suck at math, and when you throw together a section of questions that encompasses what I should have learned in four years of math, it gets confusing. And frustrating, especially when your calculated answer doesn't match any of the choices.

Plus, you can't use a calculator! I'm taking the computer version, so that should at least be a little better, hopefully.

I'm planning on turning around and applying back to Montclair for Graduate school, so the fact that I graduated undergraduate from there, and knew much of the science faculty, hopefully pushes me into the accepted category. The science programs do not have any minimum scores, so I just need to try my hardest, and hope for the best. Hopefully my verbal score can pull me through this time.
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I'm not dead, I swear. [Sep. 21st, 2009|07:35 pm]
[mood | content]

Wow, I can't believe, looking at the date log on my livejournal, how long it has been since I wrote anything.


I read lj a couple of times a day, but just haven't felt the need to post.

I haven't been very chatty with people lately either. Not sure why. Just feeling the antisocial vibe.

The awkward feeling about not going to classes has pretty much gone away, replaced by the content attitude to remain in my pajamas and play video games when I don't have a shift at the dollar store or don't get called for subbing.

I've been reading a lot too, polishing off 5 books in about a month and a half, which is really good for me because I'm a slow novel reader, considering all the other distractions I have in my life.

I got my copy of Wolverine and Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 thanks to my sister, as well as the five promo character posters for Wolverine- Deadpool, Wolverine, Sabreooth, Gambit, and Silverfox.

The posters are really sweet, especially the Gambit one.

Overall, I am very happy with life at the present time. Though job and relationship less, it doesn't seem to matter to me.

With steady income thanks to my store, I have an easier time buying my graphic novels, and the fall television lineup kicks in for real this week.

One or two more sub jobs a week would be excellent, but it's not like I have crazy bills to pay for at the moment.
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All you need is Love? [Aug. 15th, 2009|10:59 pm]
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[Current Location |home]
[mood | blah]
[music |N2Gether Now- Limp Bizkit]

I went to the doctor's yesterday so that I could get yet another mantoux shot. I couldn't find the paperwork from the test I got done in October for my student teaching, and I needed to have a confirmation of negative response by a doctor, in order to finish my application for substitute teacher in the town of Ridegfield, which is the town next to mine. Their high school is about five minutes away, so it, like my own town's school, is easy to get to.

Anyway, the office was backed up and my dad had somewhere else to go, so since the line was long we were going to save our place at the doctor and come back. My dad called home to let my mom know that, and she flipped on him, prompting a fight. They haven't really talked for two days :/

My dad had to get a haircut, so while we were at his barber, he was talking to him about it, and when we were leaving, as a joke, the barber, his name is Pete, whispered to me never to get married.

I know he was joking, and I thought it was still funny, but there is a seriousness to the thought as well.

People I know from high school are starting to get engaged and are getting married, and all I have to show for myself are a couple of failed distance college relationships.

Recently, I've kinda looked at the whole marriage thing as for the people that deserve it.

By deserve it, I mean the people who took those leaps of faith and when out and found their special someone, someone they love deeply and truly connect with.

They didn't fear rejection, they didn't let their little quarks stop them, they just went for it.

Courage like that, is one of the best things ever. I wish I had some.

A couple times in the past, I've also looked at it as marriage isn't for everyone.
Some people aren't meant to be in a lifelong bond. Others aren't meant to reproduce.

It's the nature order of things.

It seems like a depressing way to look at it, but that's what happens when you're a pessimist. Glass 3/4's empty. Believer in Murphy's Law. Etc. Etc.

There is a piece of me that likes to believe it will get easier as I continue to get older.
Especially because I haven't really started my career yet.

But there is another part of me that wants to start looking at breeds of dogs, and become the crazy dog guy that lives down the block and talks to himself why mowing the lawn.
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Birthday Wrapup [Jul. 26th, 2009|10:47 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood | happy]
[music |Piratey music from AWE]

So once again, the day signaling my entrance to the world has come and passed me.

My birthday has never really been that big of a thing. Nothing feels different on it. There isn't some magical tell that lets you know how much different you are from the last year. Only your experiences and life lessons from the day to day really tell you that kind of information.

Being that it's in the middle of the summer, celebrating my birthday is always low key. No crazy bar hopping trips, no staying up all night drinking, none of those kinds of sheningans. I don't need them.

Both my parents and my sister were busy this weekend, so it was decided that we would wait till today, Sunday the 26th, to celebrate the event.

We all went out to eat at Olive Garden, and stopped at an A.C. Moore on the way home from dinner. I got that new grilled chicken dish that has been in the advertisements, and it was really good. Definitely worth getting.

In the A.C. Moore I was able to find some etch art boards I haven't done yet, so I picked them up with a 40% coupon given to me by my mom. From there we got home and did present time.

Present wise, this Birthday was all about me getting into toned shape, so for my birthday I requested both Wii Fit and Wii Active, and my parents obliged, getting me both. I didn't set it up today because I need to move my Wii from my bedroom to another room with a little more floor space, so I'm going to do that tomorrow. I'm excited because Wii-Fit looks like so much fun, and since I don't have the funds nor a well respected gym near by, this will make up for the slack.

I got Underworld: Rise of the Lycans from my sister which was nice, I wanted that pretty badly after hearing the good reviews for it.

After that was Birthday cake, and Ice Cream Cake, and that marked the end of my birthday.

All in all it was a nice one, but like I said, I don't put much stock into the actual idea of the day, because one single day doesn't really show growth, it's the days before and after it that do.
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Argh it itches! [Jul. 20th, 2009|11:39 am]
[Tags|]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood | happy]

I finally got a chance to go to the doctor's this morning about my right arm and my right leg.

On these two appendages are several patches of what look like, itch like, and feel like dry skin, however, all manners of creams, therapies and everything else have not relieved the itching.

As such, they itch so bad I was scratching them, sometimes on purpose and sometimes not even realizing it, causing me to rip open the skin and make the spots bleed and stuff.

It was annoying because nothing would help.

Anyway, as I said, I got to the doctor today and found out that I have, "Contact dermitis" meaning that something has caused some kind of reaction, but yet only on my right side.

Really weird.
I got a small shot and a prescription for an oral medication that will help the spots.
Which is great, because I'm glad I didn't have a serious problem on the week of my birthday.
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Keep rollin rollin rollin, what, keep rollin rollin rollin [Jul. 7th, 2009|11:49 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood | bored]
[music |Tight Rope, Lacuna Coil]

Summer continues to roll along as it always does.

At the beginning of the summer, I wasn't sure if it was going to be a slow, torturous event in the sense of not having anything concrete to do or a paying job to which I could escape to every other day or so.

However, I must admit that this summer has moved along at a pretty steady clip, noticing now that we are two weeks into July, with two more till my birthday. So that's really awesome.

Time has not slowed down, and has been moving since I moved out of the Village in December.

I think maybe time has realized that it needs to speed up due to my age, and the old adage that time moves faster as you get older. Not too sure about that one though.

All in all, I applied to about twelve chain stores for summer part time work, and heard back squat for anything. If this country wasn't so screwed it up, it would probably be depressing, but somehow it's not.

Just the other day I finally applied to my first school district for a teaching position come September, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I hear back.

I'm not getting my hopes completely up, which sucks even more because this is only the first potential job close enough for me to take advantage of applying for.

I personally have no problem spending a half a year or full year subbing, but on the other hand I would love to get on a tenure track in a nice smaller school and earn a full year's contracted salary.

A positive note to this mostly drab summer has been the amount of reading and viewing of movies I have been able to do. Reading moreso, because movies has always been a staple to my hobbies. But getting back into reading has been awesome. I've been discovering some really awesome authors and interesting new writing styles.

It was also really awesome to get out of town this past weekend by getting to Vin's for that BBQ party. So many people I have not seen in a long time, and it was just a fantastic time. Sleeping wasn't the best, but the rest of it was great, and it makes me really look forward to New Year's should Vin host a party again.

I've been going longer between writing because there just isn't anything to say really.
I definitely plan on seeing two more movies this summer, Ice Age 3 and Harry Potter. I know both of them are/will be good, so it's not like I'm worried about paying admission for a flop.

My mother promised me that for my birthday this year I would get Wii Fit and Wii Action, which is awesome because they cost more than a normal game because of the extra items, and since I am working on trimming and toning as opposed to needing to loose a lot of weight, I feel like it would be a lot more helpful, especially because the room I would be playing in gets very hot during the day, which is when I would use the system.

I can't wait for summer to end, because even if I don't have a full time job, subbing will start up strong, knowing the teachers in my home district.
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We will never believe again, preach electric to a microphone stand [Jun. 16th, 2009|11:31 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |home]
[mood | bored]
[music |Move- Ludacris feat Mystikal]

The hunt for employment continues.

You see, the elusive job has been hunted to almost extinction this season, and very few of them remain.

They are sparse in sightings, and are often hunted mercilessly.

At this point in time, I have filled in eleven normal establishment applications, either paper booklet or online version.

I feel like if I have to answer that personal psychological profile testy thing I'm gonna hurt someone.

On top of those eleven, I sent in resumes to two different tutoring/summer instruction for extra help with the science SAT II's. They asked for teaching experience, and I don't know if student teaching is enough for them. It's been about a week now, so those are fading fast in my mindset.

I've fully accepted that there is a very high chance I won't get a job this summer. That in itself is not too big a problem.

The real problem is the fact that I don't have summer school or college to return to in September.

I'm done and out.
I caught myself thinking the phrase, "when I was in college," the other day, and it scared the shit out of me.

This is real life now. Not as much time for kiddie games.

I am grateful to be out of college though. Five years of hard work and life lessons, I had taken all that I could from the college experience. With all the crap that had been happening to me, it was nice to leave it all on campus.

Now to move forward. Without a map, or the special little compass that points you in the direction of the thing you want most.

I wonder if there is a voodoo lady out there I can barter that off of...
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Reader's Block? If that makes any sense... [Jun. 6th, 2009|12:40 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |home]
[music |Guilty Pleasure- CobraStarship]

I finished a book this morning, and while that normally makes me feel really good, I am a little less than enthusiastic it about it at the moment because by finishing this book, I am now once again without something to read.

Comic books aside, I hate the feeling of having nothing there, waiting for me to pick it up and enjoy it.

Not to mention, with my VisualBookshelf application acting wonky, I can't even look up recommendations for books.

So people of le LJland, I employ you now, I figure my FList is big enough.
Can anyone offer book or author suggestions?

I'm a big fan of science-fiction horror.
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I really don't know her, seen her on Myspace... [Jun. 1st, 2009|09:02 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |home]
[music |Wadsyname- Nelly]

Time is going surprisingly slow.
I kinda figured that once I got off that plane and came home from Florida, things would just start rolling and wouldn't even have time to blink.

Not so much.
I haven't heard anything from the two places I sent online applications for, I'm still waiting on a Letter of Recommendation that my cooperating teacher is mailing me, and I've gotten no calls for substitute teaching.

I burned a lot of money down in Florida. Not that I am complaining/whining, because everything I spent on was worth it, but it's still the sense of no source of income yet. Considering with college graduation I inherit all of the bills that my mom and dad have been paying all these years, a job, of any variety would be excellent.

Teaching jobs are scarce so far, only a couple of hits in southern jersey, which does not help me living in North jersey.

The extra time has allowed me to read, work on some etchings, and train my gym pokemon team, but it still carries an air of boredom.

I'm still trying to find a group of people around here to do things with, and I think getting a job would help with that.

But again, I need someone to call me back.
Once I start getting some income I can sign up for a gym membership as well, which would make me doubly happy.

My weight has finally stopped fluctuating and I've been eating good now that I'm home, which also makes me happy.

The pros and cons are even, and with the AC cup matches starting tomorrow, it gives me another outlet for boredom.

I just really hope I can get some kind of job soon. For sanity's sake.
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Bags are packeded [May. 22nd, 2009|10:13 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[Current Location |home]
[music |none]

So, in 9 hours I will be on my way to Disney.
And I am so freakin excited.

I haven't been to Disney in like, 10 years and sooo much as changed, not to mention it won't be as structured because we're on our own this time, not under adult supervision.

An amazing idea struck me today. I dont know if any of you saw that one commercial where the dad on business takes pictures of his daughter's monkey that she gave him and sends them to her, but I'm going to do something similar with a monkey I bought at the MSU bookstore.

I'm calling him MSU monkey, and I'm going to see how much trouble I can get him into, haha.

In all seriousness this trip is going to be epic and I can't wait to see all the sights and sounds of all the parks we get to visit.

It's going to be an amazing and truly earned vacation, and on top of that I get to do it with people I know.

You can't really ask for much more than that.
So, with this last sentence, I saw good bye internet, I'll be back on thursday morning.
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*put the pen down and close this book* [May. 15th, 2009|08:13 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , ]
[Current Location |Home]
[music |Singapore- POCTAWE]

5 years ago, at this time I was finishing up registration paperwork and deposits and getting ready to graduate high school, ready and willing to go off to college.

At 3:05 pm today, I finished college.
Student teaching complete with 2/3 graders deciding to give me an "A" for the experience.
Tomorrow is convocation, next Friday is the big ceremony, and Saturday I leave for Florida.

On Friday, my life changes. Forever.

I'm an adult now. On my own so to speak, in regard financially and lifestyle wise.

And I'm happy.
All of the mistakes and sins from the past five years mean almost nothing now. Sure, I will remain friends with people I met during college. Will I see them often? Probably not.

Will I need to make new friends? Absolutely.
But this is not new to me.
This cycle has been repeating for years now.

This time, just feels so different though.
Maybe because I forging on in my life.

There is no summer school.
There are no more classes come September.

I have truly finished. I made it. I graduated college. Sure, it's the worst time in thirty years TO graduate college, but I still did it. I will receive my degree and certification this summer.

I am now a licensed teacher.
Thus, starts a new chapter, hell maybe even a new book for me in my life.
And there is so much I want to do and achieve.

But I'm taking baby steps. Doing things one at a time.
The first thing is to continue getting back in shape.

Am I fat? Absolutely not. That doesn't mean my body is where I want it to be.
My body fat is still high.
I still get winded running for a little while.
And that's not good enough for me.

I can't wait to find a gym and get a membership.

For now though, I am enjoying my recent success, and plan to enjoy the shit out of Disney. Considering I'm rooming and going to do the parks with people I know, this is going to be one hell of a trip.
That and the Altador Cup is starting soon, :P
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My Co-op can be a real ass sometimes. [May. 1st, 2009|11:41 am]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |Tenafly]
[mood | annoyed]
[music |none]

Today was the first day in my life, that I was asked to leave a class.
Want to know the funny thing?

I was asked to leave because I WAS HELPING PEOPLE!!

*deep breath*
Let me go back and explain a little bit better.

In two weeks, all of the students in New Jersey who are enrolled in a Biology class will be taking the State Biology exam. This exam covers material that should have been taught and gone over throughout the year, as opposed to crammed and studied before the test.

So, my third period is a Contemporary Biology class, meaning they are lower level students. As such, my co-op has conviently jumped around and skipped to items he feels they are "capable of doing."

Due to this, he skipped a page or two of vocabulary. Now he needs to go back and teach this.
So what he did is made up a sheet with all of the terms we missed, without defintions, and gave this out to the class earlier in the week. He than asked me to come up with a quiz. I spent my off periods yesterday making this quiz with a mixture of book definitions and examples for fill in sentences.

Today, he printed this, xeroxed it, and passed it out for classwork.

So, since we are team teaching in a way, I was sitting in the back filling in the answer key, while he was trying to curb behavior.

3/4's through the period, he decided he was going to go over the answers, but was getting no cooperation from the class. One of the students, who doesn't like my co-op, came to me in the back and asked for help.

Obviously, I said ok, sit down and let's see where you are at.
At this point, my co-op came to the back and told him to return to his seat in the front of the room. A few minutes later, a girl in the class came to the back, seeking help as well because my co-op was not helping. And he said the same thing to her, to return to the front.

At this point, he bends over to me and says, "you should go to the library."
In essence, he was kicking me out.

So I stood up, put my hands in my pockets and walked out.
As i was walking down the hallway, I heard my name and turned to see the first student running after me, asking me to come back.

Needless to say, that was very touching.
I managed to get him to go back to class, and returned to the room right before the bell rang. Apparently I looked sad because a bunch of the kids asked if I was ok. I started cleaning the books up when a different girl came to me and asked if she could come for extra help on Monday, because she didn't learn anything from class.

So as a whole, I feel a mix between anger and sad.
Apparently, I am a threat to my co-op's authority and disciplinary tactics, but I just want to help people. That's why I'm doing this profession.

Not like this would make me quit teaching, but if an entire class isn't getting material, you'd think as a veteran teacher, you'd let them access whatever resources are available to help, in this case being a Biology major just about to graduate college with a 3.0 GPA.
Right?
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Life Goals [Apr. 29th, 2009|06:22 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood | contemplative]
[music |Enjoy the Silence- Lacuna Coil]

I am now three weeks from graduating college.
Three weeks until I am thrown into the wide world, with any and all hopes and dreams waiting to be chased and captured for my own selfish purposes.

As this timing wears down, I have been thinking alot more about the future obviously, and the things that I want to accomplish in my lifetime.

This being the case, I feel that it will be a good idea to jot down the ideas I have now, and update this list as I either accomplish goals or think of new ones to chase.

Anywhoo, on to the items!
Life goals )
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Schoo House Blues [Apr. 20th, 2009|10:38 am]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |Tenafly]
[mood | crushed]

My Period 3 Contemporary Biology Class just took a test, one that I spent two days reviewing and specifically stating all of the question types and information to know.

And I am pretty sure that out of a class of 18 kids, 12 of them failed.
I'm thumbing through the papers, and some of them didn't even answer anything.

This makes me really sad.
I know it shouldn't, because they are making the conscious decision to not study and fail the test.

As a teacher though, I want to see them suceed, and their attitude is anything but helpful to the course.

*sigh* I don't get how you can just not study for a test.
Even if they forgot about it, considering I repeated over and over what to know, you'd think it would sink in.

Not like this is going to change my want to become a teacher, because I have given a few successful tests already, but this kind of attitude and lack of effort just really surprises and bothers me.
:/.
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Infected [Apr. 19th, 2009|03:57 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |home]
[music |U Ain't Him- Nelly]

I have come down with such a bad case of senioritis.

Considering this is my second senior year, I've been able to hold off the illness pretty well. But now, with four weeks till the end of student teaching and three weeks till the end of the seminar class associated with it, I just don't want to do anything except for play Neopets and role play.

On top of that, I have all of this professional stuff that needs to be done, like finishing up my portfolio and writing my cover letter and crap.
And I just want to lay around reading.

I really can't wait till the MSU senior week and the Florida trip.
I'll finally have a legit chance at a vacation with absolutely nothing to do but have fun,

I managed to finish one of my projects for TFL2, but still have one to go, due on May 4th, the last day of class. On top of that, Lesson Plans and grading.

My grading I'm going to do after dinner, they are lab reports so they are a bit easier to bang out.
It doesn't help that it's so nice out.

At least if it was pouring rain and cold, I have an excuse to actually get paperwork and homework done, but sunshine like this is just evil.
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Can't we all just...slow down? [Apr. 16th, 2009|08:45 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Tenafly]
[mood | curious]
[music |chalk scraping on a board]

I don't understand why everyone in this world, especially in the concentrated New Yorkified area where I live in, are always rushing around and so impatient.

Example happened to me this morning.
I was driving along in a 25 zone going 30, and two people felt the need to zoom by me on the left.

They had to have been going 38-40, easily.
I just don't get the need or want to rush around like an idiot.

Is it that hard to wake up ten minutes earlier so you are not threatened to be late for work/class?

Maybe it alludes me because I am a naturally patient person. I take my time, and never get super frustrated.

In the five months I've had and used this car, I don't think I have blown the horn.
Today's inciden is just further proof to me that I belong down south in Jersey, away from the lights and buster of New York.

I took one of those where should you live quizzes and I got Belmar, maybe I should look into it.
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All I wanted, All I needed, is you in my arms [Apr. 11th, 2009|09:46 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[Current Location |home]
[music |Enjoy the Silence- Lacuna Coil]

Quick mom update because I haven't said anything about it.
She has been at home, and recovering. When she went in for the surgery, they discovered a nasty little tumor in the cartilage of her voicebox, so instead of taking a piece, the surgeon took it all out, successfully.

Apparently, the pathology report also said that it was benign, which is great. She's pretty lucky, IMO.

She's getting back to her normal self, she just can't really taste, Whatever they did to her tongue to keep it out of the way, destroyed her taste buds, and they need to grow back.

So everything is going good, which makes me happy. I wasn't ready for the doctor to give her a time frame upon which to live.

It's been a month since my folly, and I feel even more dazed and confused about the entire love + relationship thing.

I have no idea where or how to go forward. My natural shyness and low self esteem does not help in the go out and get em approach, and I don't have many friends upon which to draw setups from in this area.

Moving is still on the horizon, but in the distant future. Maybe not even this summer, which makes me a sad dinosaur.

The other thing that has presented itself to me is how good I had it the two relationships before this one. The ones that I sabotoged, the ruins that I ruined because of stupidity and pig headed ness. It's what I deserve though, and have no one to blame by myself for everything that transpired from them.

People always say if I could turn back time, it's staggering how many stupid things and stupid decisions I have done and made in the last year and half. It's quite amazing how much shit I was able to fuck up.

You'd think it wouldn't be possible to make as many poor life choices as I did.

I have to move forward and forget about them, but they will always burn in my memory, as I'm sure many other people have felt and gone through before.

"Keep your chin up kid, it'll get better."
Advice I myself often give to people down and out.
Let's see if I can follow my own advice for once in my damn life.
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Musical Treasures [Mar. 30th, 2009|10:19 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |home]
[mood | happy]
[music |Warning- Green Day]

I was visiting with Katie K. this weekend and every once in a while I noticed that she retreated to her computer and started downloading things.

Upon closer inspection, I realized that she was searching for and downloading stuff off of Limewire, which is an amazing music program.

Remembering how awesome it was when I was using it on my older computers last semester, when I got home yesterday I downloaded it myself and was tinkering around on it, finding all kinds of cool MP3 files.

So far, the highlights include:

Doug Theme song
Tiny Toons Theme song
Animaniacs Theme Song
original pokemon theme.

I know I'm s nerd, but those themes are some of the best themes from my childhood, and I am glad to now have them on my computer.

Sometimes you just get struck by that random song and ITUNES doesn't have it, so Limewire is there for you.

It's great to have musical support.
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Dating 101 [Mar. 29th, 2009|09:04 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |home]
[mood | confused]
[music |Thong Song Remix- Sisqo feat. Foxy Brown]

After a few conversations with a couple of different people this weekend, a saddening thought was realized by me.

I never been through the actual dating process.

For the three relationships that I had, they all pretty much morphed from knowing the person to being that particular girl's boyfriend.

The closest thing to dating was the couple of dinners with Sarah before I officially asked her out, but even still in those cases, I knew she was interested in only me really and I was interested only in her.

I mention this because this realization scares me somewhat. It scares me in the sense that I have absolutely no fucking clue what I'm doing in arranging and going out on a date.

I also know that I have attachment issues, in the sense that I'd be going on a date with the intentions of liking that particular person, whereas she may have three or four potential people she's interested in.

Plus, out in the business/working world, I know that the first date doesn't make you someone's significant other, it just makes you a date for that night.

I'm pretty sure that this experience is trial by fire. I'm only going to learn by doing. I just kinda wish that this stage of life came with a guidebook or some instructions.

That, and trying to find a source in which to find dates. Dating inter office seems a little iffy to me, and in a working environment, a bad breakup could be disastrous.

Come September I will hopefully have a job. Maybe at that point this might seem a little easier or make some more sense. Cause it really doesn't at the moment.
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Numbers.....just random digits? [Mar. 26th, 2009|09:27 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |home]
[mood | happy]
[music |Ultimate Victory- Chamillionaire]

I have discovered and fully figured out my mechanism for dealing with the feelings and emotions involved with ending a relationship.

It usually involves trying to avoid all contact with said party, for a degree of time. The time frame fluctuates, probably based on the length of the relationship, but the same cycle still exists.

Granted, this was only my third relationship in my life, so it is still a bit of a discovery process, but it feels like there is nothing wrong with that. People become the best they can be when they can reflect and analyze events in their lives, hopefully avoiding making future mistakes similar to past ones.

I feel like I have also grown in the sense of dealing with stuff.

It's a little weird for me, because so soon after ending this relationship, I have already obtained a new person's phone number.
I know that a relationship with this person is not possible, but the fact that I got the number is a bit shocking to me.

I'm sure people would say, "So what, it's just a number, get over yourself."

But it's more than that to me. My entire life I've felt like a hideous beast, who should be wearing a bag over his head.

At least in reference to romance and relationships. But over the past two girlfriends, and two Rocky seasons, my body image has gotten alot better, both physically and mentally.

So when I reached out to this new girl and got a positive feedback, it is still a little surprising to me.

I no longer really believe I should be and will be alone my whole life. Not even considering the type of person I am and the impression I leave on people, but I'm finally getting to a point in my life where I am looking into the mirror and saying to myself, "Yeah, you look good today. You are handsome."

Especially when I am wearing the dress clothes.
I know this doesn't sound like anything probably to anybody else, but I have spent years working on a positive image for myself, and it's funny to me that the real message comes through after a negative event.

It is true what they say, losing teaches more than winning.
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